Making changes: Moving from desperation to growth

Are you sick and tired of feeling and thinking a certain way? Many people start seriously thinking about making changes to improve their emotional health when things are going terribly for them - when they reach the point of desperation and they want to fix things really badly, right now. If it means you start taking action, hitting this point can be a rather unpleasant but useful wake-up call.

However, the problem with desperation (besides, you know, feeling really awful) is that it keeps you hyper-aware of all the bad stuff. Thinking about how overwhelmed and depressed you are makes you feel even more overwhelmed and depressed, and keeping constant vigilance for any sign of weakness in yourself or threat from other people/situations is exhausting. This makes personal growth and making changes really hard. Too many people get stuck here, constantly running away or putting out fires, but never moving forwards with their lives.

Photo credit chazoid

Making changes in your thought patterns

Desperation is all about what you don't want.

I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be this kind of person, I want anything but this!

Figuring out what you don't want is important, but figuring out what you do want is even more important. If all you're thinking is no no no! you'll miss the opportunities that you want to say yes to. It's just the way our minds work - you notice what you expect to notice. If you think that things are always going to be terrible and that the world is conspiring to make you miserable, you can definitely find some examples to convince yourself of this. It's an understatement that life sucks sometimes, and there are always going to be people that will want to tear you down. Dwelling on this will just give it power over you.

Your mind is your own and your thoughts are your own. So find yourself some examples of opportunities you've had and good things you've done (or would like to), and think about how you want more of those instead. Don't give your mental space to things that are just going to make you miserable without helping you. This is pointless. Sometimes it feels like it's helping, but it almost never is - maybe you're less disappointed if things go badly when you expect them to go badly, but you're not helping them to go well.

Consciously seek out opportunities, people, events that inspire you or even just remind you of what you're working towards. This might be awkward at first, but soon it will become second nature if you're willing to stick with it. And the more you do it, the more good things you'll notice and the more you'll be able to take advantage of opportunities - it's like weight training for your brain. You have to work up to it, but eventually you'll be doing things you never dreamed you'd be able to do. By making changes to my thinking, I went from barely able to get through the day without a breakdown to actually happy and well on the way to living my ideal life!

But what if you are desperate?

What if things in your life and your head are just intolerable? You can really need to change your actions and your situation without the sort of grasping and clutching desperation I'm talking about. So maybe you do really need to change things. Focus on the changing part, not the needing part. It's so important to focus on the good things that you're seeking, not how badly things are going right now. Your self talk really influences your emotions - notice how a thought like "I hate feeling like this" makes you feel... and then notice how a thought like "I can deal with this" makes you feel. You can also learn more about emotional dysregulation if you often get overwhelmed by your emotions, or rumination if you get stuck thinking about same negative things over and over.

Making changes and growth

Improving your emotional health is, at least for me, really about growth and improving yourself, not about fixing what's wrong with you. Maybe you struggle (and maybe you struggle a lot!) but you're not broken. Realizing this gives you power. If you're running around trying to fix things in the hopes that once you've fixed them all, then everything will finally be all right, you're fighting a losing battle.

Sure, there are emotional health related things that you can 'fix,' such as stopping a destructive behaviour, but when it comes to really making changes, there are no quick fixes. This doesn't have to be overwhelming. Once you have some vague idea of where you want to go and what kind of person you really want to be, all you have to do is take a small step. And then take another one.

Return from Making Changes to Towards Emotional Health Home