Are your thoughts making you miserable?
Positive self talk tips and steps

Self talk refers to your internal voice - what you tell yourself in your mind and what assumptions and beliefs you have. Everybody talks to themselves all the time in a steady stream of words and impressions about what's happening at the moment, what happened in the past, what they think or hope will happen in the future, what they think is going on with other people, and what their opinions on all this are.

These thoughts can vary in 'loudness' depending on the person and the situation. When stressed, depressed, or anxious, negative thoughts can be deafening. Ever wished you could just get yourself to shut up about something - that time you did something embarrassing, or how you're sure to mess up this particular task, perhaps? Everybody feels like this sometimes, but learning to work with your brain instead of trying to fight it can really help.

Photo credit eliotmarc

Thoughts significantly impact emotions. This has both been shown in research and can be easily personally demonstrated - just think about a time you felt a really strong negative emotion, such as rejected, furious, betrayed, or humiliated. Really dwell on it, think about the events and the people involved and how you reacted. Probably, doing this made you feel upset. Our thoughts impact our emotions all the time, in both relatively obvious ways like this and in more subtle ways that can gradually develop into depression or anxiety problems. Obsessive negative self talk - when you just can't stop thinking about your own distress or the causes of your pain - is called rumination and can be a really serious problem. But even your normal everyday mental chatter can set you up for feeling bad or getting stuck in a rut.

If your self talk is causing you problems, what can you do about it?

Change it! They are your own thoughts after all, so don't convince yourself that they're out of your control. You can absolutely learn to change your thoughts (and therefore your emotions).

Positive thinking is too simplistic a term for changing the way that you talk to yourself - it's a bit more complicated than just thinking more positive things. Telling yourself you feel happy when actually you feel miserable is just lying to yourself, as is mindlessly repeating positive statements that you don't actually believe in. The trick is to change your self talk in a way that makes you believe yourself!

Positive self talk, step by step:

• Notice your thoughts. Even if you think you know what you think about, just pay attention to your thoughts consistently, when you're happy and when you're upset. Are there some things that you commonly say to yourself? Are there some things that you didn't even realize that you tell yourself? If you're not used to doing this, you'll probably be suprised by what's going through your head and how often it does so.
• Notice how these common thoughts make you feel. Are there certain ones that spark a surge of anxiety or depression? Are there ones that help, that spur you on or make you feel better?
• When you have a positive thought, acknowledge it and believe it. For example, if you feel good that you got a project accomplished and think 'That turned out well!', don't immediately focus on everything that didn't turn out so well. Often people dismiss their positive thoughts as unimportant, or even feel guilty about them, which is really counterproductive if you want to feel good.
• Now, add onto that positive thought something good about yourself, such as 'I'm good at keeping the team on track' or 'I can really write well about this topic.' This has to be a true good thing so that you believe it, but it might feel a little awkward anyways if you're not used to complimenting yourself! That's okay, think it anyways as long as it isn't untrue. It will get easier to do this, and eventually these positive thoughts will just pop up without you having to strain at it.
• When you have a negative thought, challenge it. Dismiss it as untrue, or rephrase it to be more accurate. For example, if you did poorly on something and think 'I'm a worthless person,' challenge that as being untrue and an exaggeration. Failing at something does not mean everything about you is worthless, and don't let yourself tell yourself that it does!
• Rephrase your reaction in a way that is true but less of a self-blaming exaggeration, such as 'I'm still learning how to do this, which is okay,' or even something like 'Now I know what not to do next time' or 'At least that's over with.' You don't need to make it seem like everything is positive all the time, because obviously it's not. Sometimes we screw up or need to change things or have utterly awful days. But you also don't need to pick the worst possible explanation for things. Try for accurate, but nice to yourself - or at least fair.

If this sounds like a lot of work, well, it sort of is when you first start. This is especially true if your self talk is really negative, or if you have a tendency to ruminate. But it does get much easier as you get used to doing it, so soon you'll be doing it automatically. And if you think you sound silly, just remember the only person hearing you do this is you! It's so much sillier to make yourself feel bad because you're telling yourself negative things. Everyone can take control of their own thoughts.

Want more on thinking positive in a realistic way? Check out my positive self talk page for a more in-depth look at how to do this positive thinking thing in a way that doesn't make you feel fake.

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